When I was younger, I subscribed to the ideal of the white picket fence, 3BR house, a husband, a dog, some number of kids... the whole shebang. I was going to be one of those "normal gays". I've since grown up and realised that I'm not. Not now, and not ever going to be. That is not to cast dispersions upon those who've done exactly that. Some of us really are "just like you", and there is nothing wrong with that. Some of my best friends... Yeah, you know where that's going.
Seriously though, it's a perfectly viable option. For someone else.
I've learned a lot about myself since my early 20s, and one of those things is that I'm not suited to the nuclear family dynamic. I used to think that this meant that there were certain things I was just going to have to miss out on. Children being primary among them. If I wanted kids, I was going to have to have a partner to raise them, right? That's how it's done, properly. Being a single parent is hard; harder than I really want to work at it, and not something that the vast majority of single parents make a conscious decision to do. The reality is that most single parents are single due to circumstance, not choice.
I thought I'd come to terms with the fact that my chance to be a parent had passed me by. I really do like my life; I live on a boat, which has always been a dream. I have a couple of close friends (my anchor relationships), and a job I enjoy doing, that allows me to pursue my educational goals at a pace I can handle. I have enough money to travel and do the projects that interest me, in addition to paying my bills on time.
I am rebuilding my life into something that I enjoy. It's not what I envisioned all those years ago - it's not even what I thought I'd be doing one year ago, but I'm adjusting to it and making it what I want it to be. It helps that I've had the time and guidance to examine exactly what that is. Recently, this self-examination has lead me to yet another revelation.
Just because I'm currently living a Mono lifestyle (either solo, or in a traditional monogamous relationship), doesn't mean I can't apply Poly principles and methods to my life. Being Poly is an internal identity; it's who I am, not just what I do. Or rather, it's HOW I do things in my everyday life. As +Cunning Minx says at the end of each +Polyamory Weekly podcast, "It's not JUST about the sex."
I'm currently dating a great guy. He makes me happy, and allows me to relax and just be in the moment. That's new for me, and something I'm finding I not only appreciate, but actively enjoy. After we'd been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, I "came out" to him as Poly. He's strictly Mono. His reaction was to ask "so, what does that mean for us?" to which I replied, "I'm not currently seeing anyone else, so let's just see where this goes." As yet, it's going well. It's not moving towards cohabitation, family building, or any of that. No one is packing up and renting a U-haul any time soon. Or possibly ever. Hell, it's only been a few months, but the nice thing is that laid-back feeling, that sense of taking things as they come that makes projecting further than our next hang-out unnecessary. It's that same lack of any kind of push forward into - well, into anything more than what we have now - that has lead me to realise, I have everything I need.
List of needs:
1. Job (gotta pay the bills),
2. Hobbies
3. Cuddles
4. Social life
5. Goals
All of that is in place. After that, it's just wants.
List of wants:
1. Child(ren)
2. Travel
3. Dog
4. Adventures
5. Projects
None of which is unachievable with my current state of affairs. In fact, they are all reasonable, with appropriate planning. All of them. I have a support system - a tribe - and using Poly models for relationship works with these personal relationships, even if I'm not having sex with all of my "partners". They are partners in my life, not just in my bed.
I've always held that it's unfair to expect one person to be everything I need; it's one reason that being Poly makes more sense to me than traditional hetero-normative, white picket fence fantasies. I can't make that a reality. I've tried. It doesn't make me happy. This, though - this I can do. I can live on my boat. I can raise a child. I can travel the world. I can have people I love and enjoy spending quality time with. My identity as a Poly-person is not dependent upon the number of sexual partners I engage with, but rather with the manner in which I create, develop, communicate with, and sustain ALL of my relationships, sexual and not.
I like the guy I'm dating now. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it. That doesn't mean I have to give up what I want in life. Sure, there are compromises I'm making - like keeping my sexual partners to just him - but I'm sure that there are things he's compromising on too. The thing I'm choosing to take with me though, is that while I'm compromising (as one does in any successful relationship), I do not feel like I'm making a sacrifice. There are many ways in which he enriches my life. It's not a zero-sum game, but if it were, I'd still be coming out ahead. I don't know how long it's going to last, but it's going well, so I'm not going to dwell on that too much.
What I am going to do is keep my needs and wants in mind, and while I will have to change tack a time or two, I have a direction in mind. Not a destination, but a direction. Some days I'll move slowly, and others the wind will pick up, fill my sails, and take me farther than I'm quite ready for. When that happens, I'll make further adjustments. Because that's what you do when you're living your life rather than planning it.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, right?
Seriously though, it's a perfectly viable option. For someone else.
I've learned a lot about myself since my early 20s, and one of those things is that I'm not suited to the nuclear family dynamic. I used to think that this meant that there were certain things I was just going to have to miss out on. Children being primary among them. If I wanted kids, I was going to have to have a partner to raise them, right? That's how it's done, properly. Being a single parent is hard; harder than I really want to work at it, and not something that the vast majority of single parents make a conscious decision to do. The reality is that most single parents are single due to circumstance, not choice.
I thought I'd come to terms with the fact that my chance to be a parent had passed me by. I really do like my life; I live on a boat, which has always been a dream. I have a couple of close friends (my anchor relationships), and a job I enjoy doing, that allows me to pursue my educational goals at a pace I can handle. I have enough money to travel and do the projects that interest me, in addition to paying my bills on time.
I am rebuilding my life into something that I enjoy. It's not what I envisioned all those years ago - it's not even what I thought I'd be doing one year ago, but I'm adjusting to it and making it what I want it to be. It helps that I've had the time and guidance to examine exactly what that is. Recently, this self-examination has lead me to yet another revelation.
Just because I'm currently living a Mono lifestyle (either solo, or in a traditional monogamous relationship), doesn't mean I can't apply Poly principles and methods to my life. Being Poly is an internal identity; it's who I am, not just what I do. Or rather, it's HOW I do things in my everyday life. As +Cunning Minx says at the end of each +Polyamory Weekly podcast, "It's not JUST about the sex."
I'm currently dating a great guy. He makes me happy, and allows me to relax and just be in the moment. That's new for me, and something I'm finding I not only appreciate, but actively enjoy. After we'd been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, I "came out" to him as Poly. He's strictly Mono. His reaction was to ask "so, what does that mean for us?" to which I replied, "I'm not currently seeing anyone else, so let's just see where this goes." As yet, it's going well. It's not moving towards cohabitation, family building, or any of that. No one is packing up and renting a U-haul any time soon. Or possibly ever. Hell, it's only been a few months, but the nice thing is that laid-back feeling, that sense of taking things as they come that makes projecting further than our next hang-out unnecessary. It's that same lack of any kind of push forward into - well, into anything more than what we have now - that has lead me to realise, I have everything I need.
List of needs:
1. Job (gotta pay the bills),
2. Hobbies
3. Cuddles
4. Social life
5. Goals
All of that is in place. After that, it's just wants.
List of wants:
1. Child(ren)
2. Travel
3. Dog
4. Adventures
5. Projects
None of which is unachievable with my current state of affairs. In fact, they are all reasonable, with appropriate planning. All of them. I have a support system - a tribe - and using Poly models for relationship works with these personal relationships, even if I'm not having sex with all of my "partners". They are partners in my life, not just in my bed.
I've always held that it's unfair to expect one person to be everything I need; it's one reason that being Poly makes more sense to me than traditional hetero-normative, white picket fence fantasies. I can't make that a reality. I've tried. It doesn't make me happy. This, though - this I can do. I can live on my boat. I can raise a child. I can travel the world. I can have people I love and enjoy spending quality time with. My identity as a Poly-person is not dependent upon the number of sexual partners I engage with, but rather with the manner in which I create, develop, communicate with, and sustain ALL of my relationships, sexual and not.
I like the guy I'm dating now. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it. That doesn't mean I have to give up what I want in life. Sure, there are compromises I'm making - like keeping my sexual partners to just him - but I'm sure that there are things he's compromising on too. The thing I'm choosing to take with me though, is that while I'm compromising (as one does in any successful relationship), I do not feel like I'm making a sacrifice. There are many ways in which he enriches my life. It's not a zero-sum game, but if it were, I'd still be coming out ahead. I don't know how long it's going to last, but it's going well, so I'm not going to dwell on that too much.
What I am going to do is keep my needs and wants in mind, and while I will have to change tack a time or two, I have a direction in mind. Not a destination, but a direction. Some days I'll move slowly, and others the wind will pick up, fill my sails, and take me farther than I'm quite ready for. When that happens, I'll make further adjustments. Because that's what you do when you're living your life rather than planning it.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, right?
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