#Poly #Polyamory #Compersion #Relationships
Compersion is, I believe, fundamental to true happiness in a relationship. It is finding joy in the simple fact that your romantic partner(s) has/have found joy in their lives - and the fact that it sometimes happens without you is not a barrier.
Gracie X speaks to Compersion in her article Why My Husband and I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People. ( http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20649/why-my-husband-i-sometimes-have-sex-with-other-people.html)
"Compersion fascinates me because it sanctions the idea of our partner deriving pleasure in a context separate from us, and from another source. In this way, compersion is antithetical to how we view relationships and expect to operate in them. We are raised to believe that when we are one half of a couple, we should derive all our happiness and pleasure from that single partner and only experience it together with that partner."
Before we were in relationship with one another, we were individuals. Separate. Discrete (that's not a spelling error. I mean that we were distinctly separated entities. Not that we were on the DL. Go ahead, look it up. I'll wait. Found it? Good, moving on...).
I had rugby practice twice a week. He had rehearsals with his band. I had date nights with my best friends. He had the same. Now we still have those things, but we also have nights where it's just the two of us on the sofa watching Netflix. And nights where we are each alone in our own spaces. He has his house; I have my boat. Those things aren't going to change in the near term. Probably not in the long term, either. That doesn't mean that we don't have a stable, healthy, and communicative relationship.
I'd even argue that we have more of these things than most people who spend their relationships like some kind of conjoined couple. I am free to do the things I'm interested in, as is he. If the other isn't interested, we don't participate. No judgements, no drama. I don't resent him for dragging me to some event I have no interest in. I don't make him watch hockey or rugby or soccer. I have other friends for that, with whom I share those interests. We talk about it after. He gets a kick out of seeing how excited I get about it. He doesn't need to see the sport. In fact, it's nice being able to talk to him about things he wasn't there for - and listening to him do the same. It's refreshing; we aren't just dating, but we are also building a true friendship.
Gracie X sums it up pretty well. "Can you pursue compersion in a monogamous relationship? Yes. It's a quality that can help enliven any relationship. By giving it a go you could open your heart to many happy and interesting possibilities...
To me, compersion is a lifestyle; it’s a way to love and to be loved. I want my beloved, spouse, mate, partner (you choose the word) to care profoundly about what makes me thrive, as I care profoundly about his happiness."
Indeed. Compersion informs all of my relationships. I cannot possibly be everything to everyone; nor can I reasonably expect to be everything to just one other person. I find joy in the fact that my friends, lovers, and family members have other people to fill the roles I cannot. I also revel in the freedom that gives me to just be myself. Not because that is all I can do, but because all I do is enough.
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