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Summer of Me

Summertime was always my favourite season. Specifically, the beginning of summer, when the world is just starting to really warm up, and the whole summer lies before you, ripening with possibility. Opportunities abound, nothing is planned, and everyone is drunk with freedom. My birthday is at the beginning of summer, which adds to the festive atmosphere; like I get to kick off the summer celebrating my life, and then get to go out and live it. 

This summer is different. This summer I turn 38. This summer I am single, again. I have been single now for three weeks. Three very long weeks. It isn't that I am not used to breakups. This one is different. For whatever reason, this is the first time that when it ended, whether by me or him, this is the first time that I wasn't able to turn around, walk away, and move on. This is the first time I have been haunted by the ghost of him. 

This is the first summer where I am not excited by the possibilities that lie ahead, because I am still tied to my past. I am more interested in going back than going forward.

I am going forward though, as much as I might just want to lie down and let the world go on without my participation. I continue to get up, I go to work, I come home. I have projects planned. I am remodelling the cabin of the sailboat I live on. It needs new storage and more functional organisation of the space, so that it suits my needs, which it doesn't entirely do now. I am making plans to spend time with my friends, to reinforce the relationships that I value. I am spending time with those who want to be with me, rather than focus too much on the one that doesn't. Slowly, I am learning the trick of patience, of finding peace in silences, of being comfortable in my own company, of actively listening, and of holding onto ambiguity.

Slowly, I am learning to live my life in small moments. I am learning not to over-plan. I am learning to let things be, to allow my life to bloom, to grow. I am learning to examine myself, my actions in the world and to delve into my reactions to others, and their reactions to me. I am learning to step out of my own way, and to stop myself when I would self-sabotage and act out. To wait for others, and if they never show, never follow through, to be alright with that, and to carry on, with or without them.

These are not easy lessons to learn. This will be a summer of growth, but also of pain. This will be the summer that I spend exploring myself, rather than the world around me. This is my summer of taking care of myself, so that eventually, I can be in a place to take care of those who are - or who will become - important in my life. This summer I am remaking my life, inside, outside, the spaces I inhabit, the interactions I participate in. This summer, I am discovering who I am, what I need, what I want, and creating the space to allow those things to happen.

This summer I am learning to be kind to myself. In being kind to me, I hope to learn to be more kind to others; to listen more than I speak; to act with consideration; to be deliberate without being abrasive; to be direct and honest without being seen as aggressive or rude. In being kinder to myself, I hope to allow myself to become the best version of myself.

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